Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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