Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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