Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
