he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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