wanna go halves on a baby?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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