I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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