I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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