if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
