that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
