Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize