He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
