i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
