Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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