you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
