He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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