my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
