My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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