i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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