Already got asked if we're dating
I love black thongs
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
