You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
