I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
