Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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