Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
