Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
