insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
