so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We need to get me chipped asap
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