My sheets look like a crime scene.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Terrible idea I love it
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize