i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
