worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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