Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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