Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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