no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
