my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
