I can text with my tongue
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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