Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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