I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We talked him into tasing himself.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
