She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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