She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
