I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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