The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
