someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
