I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
