I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
