I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
