Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
