his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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