He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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