Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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