Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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