Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
