how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
