I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Houston, we have a squirter
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
