I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
