so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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