You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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