dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
