I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
