you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
