Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
