I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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