why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
