Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
