My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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